Tandra Page 1085, Killer Diller Miller

Created on 03/31/2010

by Hanther

So I’m watchin’ the “classic” Hollywood western “HIGH NOON” with Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly cos I wanna check out Grace Kelly, but what I’m doing is remembering why I’ve had this thing several years in my DVD library and have never once pulled it out to watch again after I first bought and played it. I’m also remembering Harvey Kurtzman’s classic parody in Mad magazine that opened with the words; “Killer Diller Miller’s a comin’ to town! Hoo! When’s he a comin’? HAH! NOON!”

The movie exhausts most of it’s ninety odd minute length building up to the final showdown at High Noon and we get everyone in panic mode crying Killer Diller Miller’s just out of prison and he’s a comin’ back for revenge on all those townspeople who did him dirty and he’s arriving on the noon train! Ya gotta remember Killer Diller Miller’s mean and bad and dirty and nasty and nobody stands a chance against him. He’s sort of a western version of Lord Voldemort! You don’t wanna mess with this dude, nosiree!

Three of Killer Diller Miller’s henchmen show up right off in the opening credits, but they don’t look all that intimidating. One is Lee Van Cleef in his first movie roll. Van Cleef looks mean enough to spit in a rattlesnake’s eye, but all he does is sit around playing his harmonica and, when push comes to shove, he takes a dive at the first shot and he’s out of the game for good. Sheb Wooley is the second henchman. This is Sheb, One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater (he wears short shorts) Wooley of the fifties novelty song fame. He also used the name Ben Colder on occasion. (Introduction; “Ben Colder here” Reply; “Ain’t been no colder here than it has no place else.”) That’s a funny joke when you’re ten years old. Sheb Wooley’s special power is he’s a lush, which may qualify him as President but doesn’t make him a villain to cause you to break out in a cold sweat. The third guy is the same bad guy Roy Rogers would beat up on every Saturday at the Bijou back when they ran kids’ matinee shows. In fact, all three of these guys are the grade of low octane villain Roy would punch out weekly without ever working a sweat. Some weeks, Dale would take them out if Roy wanted a day off to relax beside the swimming pool. And John Wayne was of the habit to take out a dozen low grade punks like this every morning before breakfast, just to work up an appetite. And these are the guys that have the local citizenry all punching the panic button.

If these losers are Killer Diller Miller’s close associates, you begin to have doubts as to the sort of bad man Killer Diller Miller himself is gonna be, and Miller doesn’t disappoint. What gets off the noon train is a middle aged guy with a bad complexion and a sour expression. Heck, this guy’s no Lord Voldemort. I’m not even convinced he’s in the same league as Wally Cox’s Mister Peepers! After all the buildup, the feeling is akin to Christmas when you were told to expect a new bicycle and you get, instead, a pair of wool socks!

When Cooper finally confronts these paper goons, they go down like tenpins. It takes Cooper longer to walk to the railroad station than it requires to take out the bad guys. In fact, the final big showdown is so brief and anticlimactic, if you blink you’ll miss it. You have the impression the actors are so bored with the movie they can’t wait for it to be over.

So these are the fourth rate losers that have Gary Cooper wetting his pants and making out his last will and testament? This is Gary Cooper for crissakes. This is Sergeant York and the veteran of a hundred Hollywood movies. It required more time and effort for him to dust off Walter Brennan in “THE WESTERNER” than it takes to put down these weak willies. For that matter, deputy Lloyd Bridges in the same movie is a tougher opponent!

Actually, Grace Kelly takes one of these impotent bozos out. And Grace Kelly is a pacifist! She doesn’t even know which part of the gun that little slug of lead is supposed to emerge from, but she’s tough enough to blow away one of the bad men who have got a whole town with their shorts in a knot. As the final credits roll, the thought uppermost in your mind is; “Who the hell wrote this pile of crap?” Did they ask out of work hack writers to send in story ideas and they chose the one to produce by flipping a coin?

Milton Cannif opined a hero is only so good as the villain. In other words, if you want to display your hero to best advantage, place him up against a really nasty and powerful bad man and on those terms, Killer Diller Miller doesn’t make the grade.

Scholarly types insist “HIGH NOON” is an adult western cos it’s about fear and failure, which is odd in that I always thought courage and achievement were the standards of an adult. Fear and failure are more characteristic of terminal teenage angst than the concerns of a responsible adult. If “HIGH NOON” sets standards for adult entertainment, I’ll stick with kiddiefare entertainment.

“HIGH NOON” does have one redeeming feature, however. Grace Kelly was certainly a rare beauty!

Never forget Lexington and Concord!

Hanther

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