Midnight in an Amish Gay Bar

"The Bad Seeds"

"At a certain age some people's minds close up; They live on their intellectual fat."
- William Lyon Phelps

-But, what happens when the mind closes while one is still a child?

Welcome back!

You know, I've been sitting here, drinking Gay Amish Moonshine and reflecting on what a cynical bastard I have become.

What? You didn't know Amish made moonshine? To tell the truth, neither did I. But, I think I mentioned once before that I had found some unlabeled bottles of clear liquid behind the bar, and was avoiding them because I didn't know what it was. Well, when I came in tonight, I was feeling reckless and decided to try it. I've had moonshine before, and I found it to be pretty vile. Happily, this stuff isn't nearly as strong as what I've had before, and I've just been sitting here and giving myself a nice little buzz.

Hmm? Well, I assume it's safe. After all, if it was a cleanser or something like that, I don't think the Amish would keep it on ice behind the bar.

Anyway, back to what I was saying about being a cynical bastard. It all started in the latter part of January, when I decided to go to a local bookstore. This particular bookstore has stalls on the sidewalk, where they sell discounted remainders that customers can browse through before entering the store. As I was parking, the title of one of these books caught my eye, "He Touched Them". When I saw it, the first thing that went through my mind was, "Well, I'll bet they threw his butt in jail!" You can imagine my embarrassment when I discovered that it was a picture book of the Holy Land and the "He" of the title was Jesus!

Although I had, in fact, been right about him getting thrown into the slammer, it wasn't for the reason I had at first assumed. I had to admit to myself that I'm just as vulnerable to the pressures being applied by the "popular" culture as anybody else. In this particular case, I had made the now common - place assumption that when a man touches someone, he's in trouble.

Have you noticed that? A man can lose his job, be sued and vilified, even lose his freedom if he touches another person? We have reached a point where a man risks his life if he touches a woman on the arm or shoulder! This is, of course, the result of the media and our lawmakers listening to radical feminists and giving in to their man - hating agenda. Now, one half of our population is terrified of the consequences of making even the most harmless displays of affection (which feminists cannot distinguish from lust), making our culture just a little more hellish.

I brooded about this episode, thinking about how the media pollutes us with toxic ideas, until the 28th of January, when I opened the Sunday paper and was confronted with one of the worst examples of media maleficence that I have ever seen! Hiding among the inserts for Payless Chashways and Sears, skulking behind the comics section, was the most debased and evil publication in America, PARADE MAGAZINE.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "Parade? That tabloid in the paper with all of the "fluff" articles about movie stars that everyone has forgotten are still alive? You call that the most evil and debased publication in America?"

Yes, that's the magazine I'm talking about. I'm certain that most Americans pay little or no attention to it, thinking that it is only an up scale version of other tabloids, such as The Star, or the Weekly World News. If that were truly the case, then Parade would indeed be harmless. However, this odious little rag hides it's real agenda behind it's facade of being a general interest publication about celebrities; a newspaper equivalent of an airline magazine.

But then, airline magazines do not use children to further a political agenda, and the January 28, 2001 edition of Parade Magazine is a grotesque display of the liberal left at it's absolute worst!

On the cover of this edition were the photographs of 4 teenagers, with quotes attributed to each of them. One quote, made by a young man named Jamil Cromwell, 18, asked the question, "How come our burnt - up houses and school can't get remodeled?". Below these photographs and quotes was the headline, "Teens voice their concerns to our new Chief Executive: "Mr. President, Please Make Us Proud" - A Special Fresh Voices Report by Lynn Minton".

"Oh shit!", I thought, "An article about teenagers who believe their pride comes from the White House. This can't be good!"

Minton's article began with the following statement: "During his campaign for the Presidency, George W. Bush spoke often of his commitment to invest in the future of our nation's young people. Recently, we asked teens across America - from Spanish Fork, Utah, to Philadelphia, Pa. - to imagine they were paying a visit to the Oval Office. What would they ask our new President to do for them? And how could he help their families, schools and communities?"
"We share their thoughts with President Bush - and with all Americans." The rest of the article contained comments by 20 teenagers, ranging in age from 13 to 18.

Did you happen to catch the key sentence in Minton's opening paragraph? I certainly did, and it told me all I needed to know about what Parade was really up to. They asked these kids the question "What would they ask our new President to do for them?" Do for them? My! Haven't we come a long way from JFK's admonition, "Ask not what your country can do for you - Ask what you can do for your country!"

Children & teenagers are easily manipulated. Because they are attempting to figure out their place in the world, they are highly susceptible to the opinions of others, whether they be their peers or adults whose approval they desire. Many unscrupulous individuals have made great use of this susceptibility, in order to bend young people to their will and use them for their own purposes. Charles Manson is an example that springs to mind. Numerous religious cults, such as the "Children of God" and the "Moonies", sprang up during the 1970's that brainwashed thousands of teenagers and turned them into virtual slaves, working tirelessly to enrich the leaders of the cults.

As the Parade article demonstrates, however, the liberal left is much more subtle in it's approach. By asking these kids "What would they ask our new President to do for them?", Minton has planted in their minds the idea that the President is supposed to do something for them personally, as opposed to managing the affairs of the nation.

"Hey kids! We're handing out goodies! Line up here to sit on Santa's lap! Don't be left out! What do you want for Christmas?"

So these kids, who are probably being asked for their opinion about national issues for the first time in their lives, resort to parroting what they've been hearing on television throughout their lives. Some have obviously been raised by liberal parents, as can be seen from the comments they make. We have, therefore, an article in which several kids are asking a conservative President if he is going to follow a liberal agenda!

Now, it is obvious that the President will not really be given an opportunity to respond to these kids, and that is probably for the best. Even if G.W. could respond, he would not be able to answer these questions and comments the way in which they deserve to be answered. As President, he would be hampered by political and public relations concerns, and would be obliged to give generic answers at best, and assure them that he shares their concerns.

It is because of episodes such as this article that I have become the cynical bastard that I am. However, I have also discovered that one of the pleasures of being a cynical bastard is that you become free to say whatever you want, whenever you want. Like now, for instance. I find that I want to play the role of President of the United States and answer these questions and comments the way I wish President Bush should!

In fact, I think I will!

I won't reproduce all of the comments, partly because that would make this too long to read, and also because some of the comments were so brain - dead that transcribing them would give them a weight they don't deserve. Here we go:


"My Grandma was so healthy and the perfect kind of grandma. Then her eyes got blurry and her memory faded, and even I, her favorite grandchild, couldn't help her. Our whole big family loves my grandma, and we'll take care of her. But sometimes people have trouble paying medical bills. Don't you think everybody should have the health care they need?
- Priscilla Lee, 14, Edison, N.J.

Sweet Priscilla. So young, so caring, so totally beyond all hope of redemption. Notice how this child, at only 14 years of age, has completely mastered the liberal art of "begging the question"!

For those of you living in Arkansas, that means asking a question in such a way as to force the one questioned to answer in the manner the questioner desires. When liberals beg questions, it's always designed to provoke an emotional response in defense of their position. For example, abortion activists always like to ask the following question: "Don't you think that a poor, single woman who already has too many children to care for and who doesn't have anyone to turn to for support, should have the right to an abortion if she wants one?" Of course, anyone with an ounce of sympathy doesn't dare say "no" because, to do so would make them appear unfeeling to the plight of the poor.

Naturally, if you are able to spot a begged question soon enough, you can turn it around and use it for your own advantage! Whenever I'm confronted with a sanctimonious, pro - choice twit who asks me a question like this, my response is always, "Do you think you can beg your question just a little more? Why didn't you say anything about her kids sleeping naked on the floor in an unheated house, with rats coming out of the walls and biting them? Why not mention that the kids have to slip out of the house each night to steal food from the neighbors dogs, just so they get to eat that day?" This generally stops these twits cold, because they're not getting the response they had expected. That's when I nail them with the following: " And yet, in spite of her children's horrible situation, Mama is so stupid and irresponsible that she goes out and, in this age of AIDS, has unprotected sex with a man who won't marry her or help care for her children! The bitch doesn't need an abortion; she needs to be sterilized!" It's usually at this point that I get called a "NAZI", which is how liberals admit that they've lost an argument and can't think of anything else to say.

Now, let us consider the way in which sweet Priscilla has begged her question. She begins by talking about how wonderful her Grandmother was and how beloved she is by her family. But then, things go bad when she loses her sight and memory, and becomes a burden.

Heartbreaking, isn't it? Don't you feel sad for Priscilla and her "Grandma"? But, she then adds that her family is able to care for her. Whew! What a relief! However, just when it appears that her story will have a happy ending, she moves in for the kill: "But sometimes people have trouble paying medical bills. Don't you think everybody should have the health care they need?"

Sneaky. Very Sneaky!

My answer, however, would be, "Yes, but so what? I also think that everybody should have a car, a house, a dog, a free trip to Europe and as much sex as they want, whenever they want it. Does that mean the President and the government should be obligated to provide those things?"

Priscilla is probably unaware that we have had a federal program to provide health care for the poor for several decades now, known as Medicaid. Like all other federal programs, it is expensive, poorly managed and unavailable to the middle class, who are taxed to support it, yet are having the most difficulty in obtaining medical insurance.

The last administration made an effort to nationalize health care, and create a system similar to Canada's; a system that drives hundreds of Canadians to the United States each year in a desperate effort to obtain life - saving surgery. The only thing that saved us (as well as thousands of Canadians), was that the administration published the details of the plan before submitting it to congress, allowing the nation an opportunity to review and avert that disaster - in - the - making.

No, sweet, concerned Priscilla. We do not need the government turning it's baleful eyes again to the subject of health care.

Not all of the kids featured in the PARADE article were nearly as crafty as sweet Priscilla in the pursuit of the liberal agenda. Nearly all of them made an attempt to beg their questions, but they were not successful. As a rule, they were usually just clueless about what the President and the Federal Government can (or should) do, as is demonstrated by the following comments.


"Last year, I didn't care about school anymore, so I went to work at a plant nursery. You had to work in the cold, in the heat, for minimum wage. I realized I made a mistake, but by then I'd lost a lot of time from school. I'm determined to get my diploma and not be stuck in a dead - end job. Please make a program that teaches people why they shouldn't drop out of school."
- Miguel Sanchez, 17, El Campo, Tex.

If there had been such a program, does anyone really believe Miguel would have paid it the slightest attention? Assuming for a moment that he doesn't live under a bridge or on the streets, and that he lives with family members, I cannot believe for a second that they agreed with his decision. I find it hard to believe that when he told them he was dropping out, their response was "Why, certainly, honey - pot! What ever makes you happy!"

Our society abounds with all manner of Public Service Announcements, urging kids to stay in or go back to school, all of which he ignored. If his family and the P.S.A.s couldn't influence his decision, why does he imagine that a Federal program would have been any more successful? Why would anyone?

The fact is, if someone is determined to do something stupid, then, short of incarceration, there's nothing anybody can really do to stop them.


"What will you do to help small, run - down towns? There's nothing for kids to do here - except get into trouble or get pregnant."
- Ivalomae Martin, 15, Renovo, Pa.

Well, I think I can already see what Renovo's number one problem is: All of the idiot teenagers running about, getting into trouble and making babies! Perhaps if they spent more time and energy doing something else, studying your school assignments for example, then maybe Renovo would be able to build up a competent work force that would attract new business.

Ivalomae complains that the town is run down. Well, has she or any of the other teens in the area done anything to clean it up? Or are they running about spraying graffiti and breaking windows? Have they organized to help the elderly in Renovo with yard - work, or are they sitting around each night, getting shit - faced and complaining about how bored they are, while leaving empty beer bottles all over the sidewalk? I suspect that I already know the answer.

If Ivalomae isn't proud of her town, why should anyone else be? What does she really expect the President to do, other than send money? Sorry, but that isn't his job. Her Congressman or Senator is responsible for sending money to Renovo and other "small, run - down" towns. Based on her description of the town's teenagers, however, sending money there would be a waste of time. If getting "into trouble or getting pregnant" is how they are already dealing with life, no amount of money is going to do them a bit of good. They are responsible for making something of Their lives and their town, and no one else!


"Imagine my backyard was your backyard. What would you see? Abandoned houses, drug dealers, prostitutes, people just out of jail. People you don't see at the White House. I mean, it's wild. I grew up with these people, and I did some of that, but I don't hang out with them now. I'm going to school, working, raising my son. I take two buses - an hour ride - to get to my job. We need jobs where I live."
- Jamil Cromwell, 18, Philadelphia, Pa.

Gee, Jamil, do ya think maybe the reason there's no jobs in your neighborhood is because of all the whores, dopers and other criminals?

The great liberal myth of our age is that poverty causes crime. This is bullshit. If that were true, all poor people would be criminals. What Jamil has never learned (possibly because no one he knows has explained it to him), is that crime drives away jobs and prosperity. What businessman would want to set up shop in Jamil's part of town?

I also find it interesting that, while he demands that the President do something to fix his neighborhood, he glides over the part he played in making it a Hell - hole by saying "...I did some of that, but I don't hang out with them now." Oh. Well, I guess that makes it alright then, doesn't it, Jamil?

What is truly striking about Jamil's comments, is that he seems convinced that the President can really do anything about his neighborhood. What he ignores is that, for the last 8 years, we had a liberal administration that claimed to care more about the inner city than any other administration in history. We've had 8 years of "Midnight basketball", "100,000 New Policemen" and "Putting People First", and yet Jamil's part of town is still in the toilet! Yet, I'll bet everything I own that, despite the Democrats colossal failure to turn the inner city around, Al Gore and the Democrats got nearly every vote in Jamil's neighborhood.

Why do the people who live in the inner city continue to vote for a party that has proven itself useless in turning things around? Perhaps even more bizarre is their demand that the new Republican administration adopt the very same programs that the Democrats cannot make work! The problem, which Jamil and others like him refuse to see, is that the government will never be able
to do anything about the inner city because they are not the source of the problem!

Ironically, Jamil already knows how to solve the problem of the inner city. In fact, he said it himself: "I'm going to school, working, raising my son." Hello! If more young men and women in the inner city would adopt that attitude, most of the problems there would disappear!

I think he and Ivalomae need to hook up.


"When my girlfriend broke up with me, it tore me apart. Can you make a national hot line where teens can get advice when they're sad or angry?"
-Khoa Tran, 14, Culver City, Calif.

OH, MOTHER GOD!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU FOURTEEN - YEAR - OLDS?

Khoa? Khoa, are you listening? Get up and go to where your family keeps the phone. Somewhere around there, you will find a thick, paperback book called "The Yellow Pages". Take the book in your hands and open the front of the book. Begin turning the pages until you come to a page titled "Community Service Numbers". Guess what you will find on that page. Oh my God! Can it be? It is! Crisis hot lines!

Look, forget the crisis line! I can give you all the advice you need. Here it is: GROW THE HELL UP! So you lost your girlfriend, so what? You're only 14 years old! Believe me when I tell you that this isn't going to be your only relationship and you're going to have most of them end before you find the girl whose right for you. If that prospect is too much for you, then you need to go ahead and plan on living in a monastery!

Jesus Christ! Do we really need to create a national crisis line when virtually every community already provides such a service? We've got to spend millions of dollars because this ninny hasn't figured out how to look in the phone book?

Go to bed, Khoa. You've got school in the morning!

To be fair, I must point out that not all of the teenagers who wrote these letters were the usual crop of Liberals - In - Training. Some, in fact, displayed far greater understanding of how the world really works and what the limits of Presidential power are. I'll start with the best of the bunch, Dorian Newby:


"I'm an Army brat, and my dad means more to me than anything else in the world. So, the military is an issue I feel strongly about. The reason why so few people are willing to join is that the pay is miserable. Some military families are on welfare - the same people who protect our great country. My dad is currently in Korea - his second year - long term there. Mr. President, make us proud: Raise military salaries and don't send enlisted soldiers with families away for more than two months at a time."
- Dorian Newby, 14, Fort Benning, Ga.

Can you imagine sweet Priscilla or Khoa writing a letter like that?

Happily for Dorian, the condition of the military is something the President, as the Commander In Chief, can directly influence, although the ugly downside of that has been displayed for the last 8 years by a man who claimed to "loath the military". I suspect G.W. will move as quickly as possible to try and correct the problems the military has accumulated during the last administration.


"Do something about taxes. I worked every day last Summer, repairing and setting up cattle fences, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. in very hot weather. I got a good tan, but other than that, it wasn't worth it - just to have the government take a third of my money and have it go to someone I don't even know who didn't earn it in the first place."
- Lucas Harris, 16, Spanish Fork, Utah

Although he has fallen prey to the common notion that taxes go to support dead - beats, Lucas has already learned a lesson that most of the other teens in Parade's article have yet to understand: Somebody will have to pay for all of the Federal programs that they are asking for.

I fear, however, that Lucas may find himself considered by his associates to be a classic "uncaring conservative", because of his belief that taxes are for the maintenance of dead - beats. This would leave him open to the kind of spiteful, emotional attacks used by Liberals today, particularly the hoary & exhausted accusation of racism. While his belief is understandable, what Lucas needs to learn is that the problem is wasteful spending by a Government trying to be all things to select segments of the population.

OK. That's enough.

Minton's article closed with the following paragraph:

"Hear More On Good Morning America"
"Tomorrow, Jan. 29, tune in to ABC News' Good Morning America to meet several of the young people featured in this report. The show's hosts, Diane Sawyer and Charles Gibson, will lead a special town hall meeting with the teens to learn more about their ideas, hopes and expectations for our new President."

God save us all. You can almost hear Minton's breathless anticipation at the prospect of being able to watch another forum made popular by Slick Willy. I believe it was this last bit that really frosted me the most. Parade and ABC have successfully conspired to create a new crop life - long liberals.

Consider: here is a group of kids who have now been thrust into the national spotlight only because they have publicly stated liberal positions. Although I didn't watch the program, I feel fairly safe in saying that no more than one of the kids who stated a conservative opinion was present. I also have a feeling that sweet Priscilla and Jamil were featured prominently, with Sawyer and Gibson hanging on their every word.

These kids are lost. All of this attention will, no doubt, be one of the greatest highlights of their lives, and the lesson will not be lost on them that their 15 minutes of fame came by being young liberals, and for no other reason. In their young, impressionable minds, they will form the belief that being liberal equals being popular, and being popular is the altar at which all teenagers worship. Like Maggie Smith said in the film The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, "Give me a girl at an impressionable age, and she is mine for life!"

What I find truly disgusting about this is the way the liberal press has used these children to further their agenda. But, when one considers that they always use children as the excuse whenever they attempt some new experiment in social engineering, it is hardly surprising.

I suppose that I should be grateful that Parade and ABC only got 17 or so kids.

This time.

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